TEN EASY WAYS TO DRIVE FOLKS FROM CHURCH

(These thoughts are added to three times each wee)

I long ago concluded that driving people away from church is much easier than leading them to it. I therefore, with tongue in cheek, suggest the following as sure fire techniques for accomplishing such an outcome. I realize that an article like this is a dangerous thing for some folk do not understand satire nor do they have a sense of humor.

Obviously, if you are in regular attendance these suggestions will accomplish a great deal more than if your attendance is an occasional. After all, if you practice them on a regular basis the negative results will be nothing short of phenomenal.

NEVER ASK THEM TO COME IN THE FIRST PLACE. This is rule number one and it is literally worth its weight in gold. If the rule seems too severe in its initial application, procrastination may be practiced by simply stating, “I must ask them to come to church with me sometime, just not right now.” This will salve a conscience and allow sleep to knit the raveled sleeve of caring.

IF THEY COME IGNORE THEM. Sit by them but do not speak. Sing by them but do not offer them a hymn book. When the service is over, turn your back on them and engage in a lively conversation with a church member of long standing. If they are in line waiting to meet the minister, take a particularly long time in conversing with your pastor. They may quite probably grow weary of waiting and leave by the side door.

IF YOU DO SPEAK, COMPLAIN. If you are by nature a gregarious individual and must speak do not speak kindly of the church or anyone in it. Complain of the minister’s vices and speak not at all of his virtues. Tell of the trouble in the choir. Be sure and mention the women’s group is a clique (unless of course, you are a member of said group) and that you wouldn’t go if they paid you. The list of things easy to complain about in all churches is long, so just pick and choose. You will be gratified beyond words with the fallout.

ACT AS IF YOU NEVER GO TO CHURCH. Be unkind, rude and course, be filled with malicious gossip and be ready at a moment to share it, etc. There is nothing quite so powerful in building up the non-church-attending forces of our land as Christians who don’t act like it. Be sure you elicit spontaneous comment from someone each day to the effect, “If he’s a Christian, I’m not interested.”

NEVER PRAY. Believe that man can achieve the church’s success by his own hands and needs no help from God. Follow the philosophy, “Heaven for heaven, earth for earth, you know” or “I am the captain of my soul. I am the master of my fate.”

REFUSE TO WORK IN THE CHURCH. Every church needs workers and if enough members refuse to participate the inefficiency of the church program is assured. There will, of course, be certain things which cannot be done for lack of cooperation, and some other things which will not be done very well or if enough people refuse to help, not at all. This rule will also assure a good bit of doubling-up and even double tripleing-up on jobs. This latter effect gives an excellent opportunity to complain that the church is run by a few people.

LEARN THE CLASSIC CLICHES AND SPREAD THEM FAR AND WIDE. The few samples below should stimulate any reader of these thoughts to find or invent others.

God doesn’t expect you to be in church every time the door opens.”
“You can’t love everyone; God certainly understands that…”
“It’s the preacher’s job to go out and get new members. That’s what we pay him for.
There are others but these should do well for a starter.

BE NARROW MINDED. Gasp audibly when someone new at acquiring faith asks what seems a strange questions. Have no patience with anyone’s ideas concerning the church, it policies or programs if they do not agree with you 100%.

GIVE LITTLE. Do not be taken in by all the talk about giving. Excuse yourself and ease your conscience by such statements as “I have my family to think of” or “There are others who give more and some day I may give more too, just not now.” These and any other such excuses, reasons, etc. followed to the letter by enough of any congregation can guarantee a poor program, an ill-paid preacher, a building in need of repair, a lack of necessary supplies, etc. There is no end to the destructive results of a philosophy dedicated to holding back on giving to one’s church.

FIND FAULT WITH THE PREACHER. This is a drastic but it produces such excellent results that it cannot go unmentioned. In every church there are those who love their preachers, others who are lukewarm, and others who need but a spark to spring them into a fire of righteous indignation. A little black book or an excellent memory or even better, an overactive imagination can in a very short time produce a list of charges and complaints that corrupt and disrupt. Since the preacher is human it may easily be remembered that once he lost his temper with Mr. Brown, that once he failed to call on Mrs. Jones, that once he…oh well, the skies the limit. This rule will divide the congregation into units of “pro” and “con.” It will disgust new and old Christians alike. It will slow any plans for progress and send a spirit of unease throughout all the church.

The sad thing is that all of these attitudes and actions continue to be perpetuated by basically good people who give into bad moments. Unfortunately, in some cases, these kind of attitudes and actions become life long habits.

Neil Wyrick is the author of THE SPIRITUAL ABRAHAM LINCOLN, RUST ON MY SOUL & POOR RICHARD’S ALMANACK FOR THE 20TH CENTURY (all available on amazon.com) Some other book sites have even more of his out of print books still available..