How To Deal Successfully with Difficult People

I wish there weren’t difficult people. I wish I weren’t allergic to the emotional toxins they spread. Maybe if I had the patience of Job and the Wisdom of Solomon, I wouldn’t be irritated. But since I live in the river of life I must learn to make friends with the crocodiles. I must seek to make rainbows in the midst of other people’s thunder.
“It isn’t always what you must do but it is always what you must become,” a wise old minister once said to me, “Compassion is an empathetic brief exchange of souls.”
When I am confronted by a difficult person I ask myself, “When was the last time, Neil, you were difficult to deal with?” When did I last get that tone in my voice or that look on my face? Then I remind myself that when people irritate me I too can show it. Or as a l friend cautioned me one day, “We all can be patiently judgmental and that can be as bad or worse than a vocal eruption.”
DF’s (Difficult People) come in all kinds of emotional shapes and sizes. Most are sprinters, not marathon runners so wait them out until they run out of fuel. “Build on resolve and not regret,” cautioned the late Adlai Stevenson. Some DF’s blame and bluster at the top of their lungs. Some sneer softly and drop sarcasm. Others seem innocuous in their complaints but beneath lies a seething anger. Don’t throw them under the bus even when you feel like doing it. It will hurt the two of you in different ways but it will hurt the two of you.
The beginning of a solution? I long ago learned that questions rather than direct statements can smooth the edges of any debate or argument. “Would you please explain?” got the same answer as an argumentative reaction; it just wasn’t as heated.
I have also noted down through the years initiating dialogue can show concern and gain insight. “John, it seems we have been at odds recently.” The implication is that things have been better in the past. Sometimes, this is a stretch but a worthy one. “Is it something I did? Something I said?” Then speak of “stumbling blocks” a phrase that has a better connotation than “problem” “trouble” “difficulty” “disagreement.”
If verbal dialogue doesn’t seem appropriate or one is uncomfortable with this approach, a written note helps. “Dear John/Jane, I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said and you have a number of good points (praise). However, I wonder if you’ve considered my idea. As your friend (positive affirmation) I need your friendship and our ability to be able to agree to sometimes disagree.”
It is impossible to receive a positive response from everyone. Some people really are permanent DF’s Still, when friendship is hopeless, friendliness is not.
A sense of humor helps. “Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come,” counsels the ancient Chinese proverb. Overcome negative feelings toward the DF’s of the world with the wisdom of wit. Even if you do not always find spring, it will help you to withstand the winter of their discontent.
The next time someone is giving you a hard time, wherever for whatever reason, try the following experiment. “Visualize a large bucket of love. In your mind’s eye, pick up that bucket, walk over and slowly pour its entire contents over his head. Then imagine the liquid love dripping down and forming puddles at his or her feet. The ludicrousness of it will diffuse the moment at least for you…and what better place to begin.